Closer Than You Are
by No Sweeter Song
Summary: What really drove Sirius Black to go after Peter that night in Godric's Hollow? Was it really his anger at the betrayal? Or did something much deeper drive him to seek out and confront his lying friend? Only Lily knows, and the secret died with her.


An entirely new pairing for me to write, but a longstanding one for me to love on. I wrote this for LiveJournal's Rare Pair Shorts exchange and was downright giddy to see the recipient wanted Lily and Sirius. This story follows Sirius and Lily's 'relationship', from their first meeting to the events following that awful night in Godric's Hollow. Again, I don't own them, if I did, I'd not be dealing with this stupid U.S. economy!

* * *

The first time she met him, they were only eleven, and she loathed him already. Why he had to be so cruel to Severus on the train, she'd never know. Even ten years later, when she asked him, he'd have no answer. But the boy was obnoxious, mean, and a downright prat. It was quite possibly the most miserable train ride of her entire life.

The train was crowded, but not too crowded to get away from the boy telling the disgusting jokes and taunting the other newcomers with stories of evil teachers roaming the Hogwarts halls.

She didn't even notice the disappointed look that crossed his face when she took off from the train car, Severus in tow.

***

When they were thirteen, he charmed her hair without her knowledge for the first time. Of course, she never would have given him permission to do so. The first time was an accident. Purple, that day. Once he got some laughs for it, he did it over and over again. Green, usually. To match her eyes, he'd tell her with a sly grin.

She got back at him by charming his shorts off. Literally. He turned an uncharacteristic shade of red. As she waved his shorts around the common room, he ran after her. No one even commented on the brilliant bit of magic it took to get those without removing trousers. Everyone was too amused by the feisty redhead taunting the school's taunter.

When he finally did get his shorts back, he gave her a glare. But as she smirked, his glare turned into a genuine smile. She wasn't expecting that and flushed red, but he'd already hurried back to brag to his friends that she'd been the one holding his shorts hostage.

***

At fifteen, she noticed his attention towards her began to wane. Instead, it was his closest friend who'd begun to make a move. Equally irritating but not quite as charming about it, James Potter was constantly around. 'Evans, go out with me,' 'Evans, let's do Hogsmeade,' 'One day you'll give in, Evans.'

She always said no. James constantly hurt Severus. Mean and spiteful and cold were words she'd use to describe James, even if she was probably the only girl in all of Hogwarts who thoughts so.

And she blamed him for the gray eyes no longer catching hers with that mischievous twinkle.

***

When she was seventeen, she finally caved and agreed to a date with James Potter. And then another. Before long, they were sharing meals, conversing in the common room, and snogging in the halls. She tried to pretend it didn't matter how he and his friends treated Severus. Sev had made his choice and it was a fact she'd have to deal with. James wasn't exactly kind hearted and compassionate, but he was good to her. And a brilliant kisser.

He'd never once asked her to Hogsmeade. Of course, he was around a lot. She was seeing his best mate. But he averted her eyes whenever they were in close proximity and laughed a little too hard at James' jokes. He was James' best friend. She was James' girlfriend. But that didn't stop the frustration she felt when he wouldn't smile, laugh, or joke with her anymore.

***

She and James were married when they were nineteen. It was a lovely ceremony, and all of their school friends were in attendance. Despite a war raging around them, the guests mingled and chatted and had fun. That day was their time away from a world that was falling apart, and so many of them were wrapped up in it firsthand.

It was also the night that the best man got completely pissed. Wasted nearly beyond recognition, he slipped up on the bride on her way back from the ladies' room and kissed her, full on the mouth.

She didn't stop him.

Ten minutes later, he was sobbing to her about how wonderful she was, and how he wished it was him. How he'd admired her for so long, but had first thought she might fancy Snape and then James had said he fancied her. And it was James, James was his best mate, he couldn't do it to James.

Everything was always about James. For once, she wished it were about her. How different might things have been?

***

When she was twenty, she found out she was expecting a baby. James did the usual father-to-be things, cheering, kissing her firmly, and scurrying off to tell his friends. The look on his face was delighted before he Apparated from house to house to spread the news.

He was the first to arrive to share his congratulations. They'd never spoken of the evening of her wedding, and she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to.

His face was forced into a pleased smile, telling her how lucky she was and how much he was looking forward to a little Pronglet to spoil. At least he could speak out loud to her again. But there was more in his eyes. She studied them carefully, watching the envy flicker then fade continuously.

Her hand rested on his and he flinched visibly. "Don't," he'd said quietly, and she'd swear she could hear a hint of pleading in his voice. When she'd asked him to leave Severus alone, he hadn't listened. So she didn't listen, either. Her fingers laced through his and she heard his breath catch.

"Please," she'd whispered, looking at him imploringly. "Please, just..." But what, they'd never know, because she leaned in, kissing him softly.

They leapt apart when James walked in, still all smiles from delivering the good news to Remus, Peter, and Frank. And he laughed too hard at James' jokes, and she smiled adoringly when James placed a hand on her abdomen, murmuring sweet words to their growing baby.

***

Six months later, little Harry made his way into the world. She was grateful. Harry had been a healthy baby, but healthy babies were also heavy and bulky and had made the last several months miserable. For months her back had hurt, her feet had swollen, and she'd craved food she shouldn't have. It had been ages since she'd been able to sleep comfortably, and she was always hot.

Through all of that, she had the added stress of the war reaching a devastating point. Their side was losing. Marlene, one of her closest friends, was dead. It felt like the only woman able to help her through her pregnancy was Alice, and she was dealing with her own. Even her own sister, who had only recently given birth herself, wasn't a part of it all.

It was a time when she truly needed her husband. But James was off on assignments, between the Aurors and the Order, always in and out, always putting his life at risk, all without her. She had felt useless, sitting around in the safety of the house and feeling incredibly alone.

But she was never alone for very long. He was the one who massaged the muscles in her lower back when the weight of the baby grew too heavy. He was the one who rubbed her feet and painted her toenails when she could no longer reach them herself. The foods she craved always somehow wound up in her pantry, and he was the one who summoned the mediwitch, and sent the Patronus to James, when the pains began.

No one had to know the reason he'd been there that evening was to kiss away her fears of the war. He had found her pregnancy the most attractive she'd ever been. It was easy to fall into a pattern of being together when James wasn't around.

But James could never know.

***

She was twenty-two when she died. At the peak of her life, at a point where most women were settling into motherhood and careers. The war had come, literally, to the Potters' front door.

There'd been nothing he could do. By the time he got to the cottage, it was too late. He'd been wrong to suspect Remus. He knew that, then. James, who'd stood by him and been so loyal, even though he had to have known something was going on. He and Lily had been so very careful in order to not hurt him. But it was hard to hide the way his eyes lit up, or the way her smile widened whenever he'd visit their hiding place. If James hadn't known, it was a miracle.

And Lily. His precious Lily. How many years had he wanted what they'd had those last months of her life? Always, she'd belonged to another man. But always, he'd loved her. It took far too long for her to see that she loved him, too. Now, he had no chance. It was over for them before it could even really begin.

He stood quietly, looking mournfully at the rubble of the cottage in Godric's Hollow. Hagrid had already taken the baby. By all rights, he should've gone to Sirius. Dumbledore's request. Dumbledore, always Dumbledore. Why hadn't Dumbledore seen what was coming? If he was so wise, how did he not suspect Peter?

There was nothing left. She was gone. Her baby was out of his hands. All he'd fought for through this war was gone. The rest of the wizarding community was celebrating, cheering, and dancing in the streets. His godson was a hero.

But he couldn't celebrate. It hurt too much.

Peter. He'd betrayed Lily. And James. Because of their supposedly trusted friend, they were gone. He wouldn't get away with it. Hagrid had taken the bike, but Sirius knew where to find Peter. Wherever he could hide. Throwing all of his fury and hurt into the required magic, Sirius closed his eyes and Apparated to the middle of Diagon Alley.


End file.
